I'm sorry
by castlealways1
Summary: "He sighs, but not in relief, she can tell. 'There's something I need to tell you, Kate.'" Castle and Beckett get into a relationship before he tells her his secret. But then again, "secrets are like time bombs, eventually, they explode."


**A/N: Okay, I should be updating my other fics but this just came into my mind and wouldn't leave. Anyway, for the ones reading "After All this time", don't worry, I'm taking care of that one too :P **

**Also, this one will only have like 2 chapters more. That is, if you like this first one.**

**(longer) Summary: "**Kate looks at him, trying to read into his eyes, into his soul. But it's impossible. They look darker, deeper, and she eventually gets lost in them, forgetting what she was looking for in the first place. It's like falling into some sort of trap." Rick and Kate get into a relationship before he's completely honest about the secret he has been keeping from her. But secrets are like time bombs, eventually they explode.

* * *

**Chapter One**

She lies in bed, one leg beneath the other. She hears his footsteps on her wood floor. In these three months they've been together, this has become one of her new favorite sounds. She tilts her head to one side, to try and hear it better. He's in the living room. Pacing. A constant rhythm, persistent, addictive. He stops. It's all quiet for a moment and then he's pacing again. She frowns. What's going on with him?

_"Wanna stay the night?"_ She had asked while they were lying on her living room carpet, naked.  
_"If that's okay_," he had traced a couple of circles on her stomach, slowly, gently.  
_"Sure,"_ she had taken one of her long fingers to his face, drawing invisible patterns around his nose. It didn't matter for how long they were together; she'd never get enough of touching him_. "I should get some sleep. Are you coming?"  
"You go first. I'll meet you in bed in no time."_  
He had sounded different. Distant, cold.  
_"Okay,"_ she had started to get up but he'd grabbed one of her arms, pulling her back down, on the top of him, and his lips crashed with hers in a passionate, furious kiss. She furrowed her eyebrows, taken aback. But a moment later she was responding to his lips in her own way, more hesitant, less desperate.

_"Castle?"_ Kate gasped into a briefly opened space between their mouths.  
_"Yeah. Go,"_ he gave her a closed-mouth smile and a little impulse for her to get up.  
_"Is everything okay_?" She asked as she gathered up some clothes that had been randomly left around earlier as they finished what they had started in the kitchen.  
_"Everything's perfect_," he said, staring at the ceiling.  
_"Right. I'll be in my bed if you want to talk,_" she bit her lip, sighing.

And there she is, waiting for him to want to talk. This is unusual, Castle being the distressed one. It's usually her who uses sex to release her anger. It's usually her the one having bad days. It's usually her who lets frustration take over. Her, not him. But that's okay, though. She knows he has the right to have shitty days, too. She just hates seeing him like this. He'd been out all day, since the morning. When Esposito called at 10 a.m letting her know they had a body, hadn't want to come. _"I have stuff to do. Book stuff,"_ was all that he said. She didn't sweat it though.

She's never been the controlling type of girlfriend and she's not changing that even though she's pretty sure she's now dealing with her one and done.  
The pacing is not stopping and it's getting to her nerves. She stares at the empty side of the bed again, and then at the door. She's expecting him to come in at any moment. But half an hour as passed and she convinces herself to give up.  
"Come on, girl. You have to be up in 4 hours," she whispers to herself as she gets into the sheets.

The bed feels cold and uncomfortable without him, that's how used to him she has gotten. She reaches for the switch of her night stand's lamp. It's dark now. _Cold, uncomfortable and dark. _And that favorite sound of hers, his steps on her floor, are now starting to piss her off. She wants to get up and yell at him for making her so worried. She wants to yell at him for not letting her see what's going on, for keeping up that annoying pacing that won't let her fall asleep. But she can't. She can't because he has never pushed her in those nights when she feels like shit because she misses her mother. He has never forced her to stop pacing around the house, rambling about all the suspects that got away with crappy alibis. He has never pushed her to talk to him in those depressing afternoons when she just crawls in bed and pretends the world doesn't exist. He always just lies next her and hugs her when she lets him._ Hugs her._  
Kate pushes the sheets aside, the pacing has stopped and now she knows what she wants to do. And yelling it's definitely not part of the plan. She stands up, smoothing the wrinkles of her oversized purple t-shirt. Well, it's not exactly hers. It's his but she stole it from his closet on one of the first nights she spent at his house. He let her keep it and since then, that's her favorite pajamas. It still smells like Castle and even though she's never going to admit it to him, that turns that shirt into her best company on those nights he's gone.  
She opens the door, not sure if the silence hovering in the house is really that heavy, or if it's just her imagination, but it sure feels like a nightmare. She walks slowly, barefoot, step by step until she gets to the living room.  
At first she doesn't see him. The lightning is dim, there's only one small lamp on.

Then there he is, sitting on the floor, his back resting against the couch.

He has put his pants back on, but he's still shirtless. Kate can't help thinking how vulnerable he looks, with his eyes closed and his head slightly leaned back.  
She's not very good at this stuff. _Feelings_. But she realizes now that in the last couple of years, she has learned a lot from him.  
Beckett walks slowly in his direction. If he hears her, he doesn't show it. His eyes remain closed, he doesn't move an inch. She sits next to him and takes one of his hands in hers, then she closes her eyes and leans her head back against the couch, too. He has never pushed her, but he has always been there. That's what she wants to do, too._ Be there. _  
"Thought you were asleep." He opens his eyes slightly and entwines his fingers with hers.  
"Couldn't. You were pacing, it was making me nervous." Her smile is telling him that it's alright, that he doesn't need to worry, but he seems to miss it.  
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you could hear my steps in the bedroom. Go back to bed, I promise to stay still this time." His eyes are wide open now, but he's not eyeing her. He's eyeing the ceiling and so is she.  
"I don't want to, Rick." She moves her head and places a chaste kiss on his jaw. "Mind if I stay here?" She whispers.  
"No, not at all."  
For one moment the only sound in the room is the sound of their shallow breaths, and Kate almost swears she can hear their hearts pounding in unison too.  
She's never seen him like this, and she never thought it would hurt so much to. He doesn't even look like Castle, so quiet, so unhappy. And she feels so helpless.  
"I don't want to lose you," he says after a while, finally moving to play with a strap of her hair.  
"What? You're not going to lose me."  
He sighs, but not in relief, she can tell. Kate looks at him, trying to read into his eyes, into his soul. But it's impossible. They look darker, deeper, and she eventually gets lost in them, forgetting what she was looking for in the first place. It's like falling into some sort of trap. He blinks and she gets back to herself.  
"There's something I need to tell you, Kate."

* * *

**Review, please? :)**


End file.
